Lexi Rose

It's been two months to the day since Lexi was taken from this world. She's been an angel up in heaven for two whole months. It seems so weird, thinking that its been that long since this whole awful event happened, yet it feels like its been an eternity because the pain and sadness of it all is so raw.

People often ask me how Stephanie is doing, and that's hard for me to answer, because I truly don't know. I think only she knows how she's doing - I just get a picture from the outside. She shares very briefly when I ask her how things are going, and I'm fine with that. However much or little she wants to talk, that's okay with me. I've only seen her twice since we found out Lexi was an angel, and she *seems* to be holding up okay. She's always been one to hold back her feelings and doesn't come out with things easily. She's been a nurse for over 18 years, and has seen a lot of people pass, so I think she's just naturally built up this wall when it comes to death. I'm not sure if this has helped her or hurt her when it comes to Lexi. I just hope she finds an avenue to let things out. She plans on attending a child loss grief group, which occurs once a month through her hospital. She's also going to start seeing a therapist, which I think will be a very important step in her healing process.

I sometimes get asked how I think my pregnancy impacts Stephanie, and I don't really know how to answer that. It is probably very sad for her, to see her little sister preparing for the arrival of her second child. When I've talked to and seen her, we don't really talk about my pregnancy. I think its too hard for her, and I don't want to bring anything up that's going to upset her. This is hard for me, because I am so overjoyed about this baby in my womb, and I want to share my joy with everyone, but its just too hard with Stephanie. I think she appreciates that we don't talk about it, but I know its going to have to come up someday because this baby o' mine is going to be here in about 4 1/2 months. I'm not sure how that's going to be for Stephanie. I only hope that its as easy as possible for her, and I know that even if she is hurting, deep down, she will be happy for her baby sister.

In terms of how I'm doing, it really depends on the moment. I think about Lexi every day, that's for sure. Sometimes I'm able to think about her without getting too emotional, and other days, its really hard. I have a picture of her in an envelope that says "Lexi" on the kitchen table. I haven't opened it in a while because its just too difficult. I used to look at the picture every day, multiple times a day, but slowly weaned myself from doing that. It just got too hard to get through my day after looking at a picture of my niece, who should be here, who should be 2 months old today. It stirs up all of my anger and resentment for the people who could've and should've done something more.

I'm not really sure how to close out this post, other than by saying how much I love dear Lexi, and how much I hope she can feel our amazing love for her - every day, every hour, every minute, every second. We miss you.