Instead of having just one focus in this post, I'm going to comment on a few things currently going on in my life. This kind of sounds like I'm about to begin a research paper, thesis statement and all, minus the use of words like "I'm" and "my" - wow, lame. Okay, here goes...
1. Sleep
Ahhh, such a wonderful thing in theory, yet such a thorn in my ass. I don't know what it is about my relationship with sleep, but it's never been a healthy one. I either get very little sleep or can't get enough. Recently, I'm experiencing the "very little" side of things, and the fact that I'm sitting here blogging about it instead of trying to do it shows that I've just given up completely. How can a person who is so tired and desperate for sleep be so daunted by the task? I truly feel like just giving up and accepting that I may be turning into an insomniac (okay, its not quite that bad, but sometimes I feel like one). I have started doing a night journal to write down all of the thoughts going on in my head, serious and random, to avoid thinking about them while trying to fall asleep. This hasn't worked yet. It's usually the mundane thoughts that take over and ruin my sleep, such as "I should make sure to do some laundry tomorrow" or "how am I going to make sure that Aaron's mom and my mom understand how important it is that Kellen naps well when they come and babysit in December?" Like, come on, can't I just think about doing laundry when I get up tomorrow? Aren't his December naps something I can worry about at the end of November? And then, I try so hard to get these random thoughts out of my head that they keep sneaking up on me, tapping my shoulder, saying "hey, think about it, think about it, you know you want to..." I'm also going to try and quit watching t.v. right before I go to sleep and instead read books. I ordered a couple of memoirs off of amazon.com yesterday and am hoping they get here soon so I can see if that works. I'm currently reading Amazing Gracie, a story about a deaf and partially blind Great Dane, but it's not really hitting the spot and it hasn't really helped my situation. It's a cute book and all, and I enjoy reading books about dogs, but it isn't one of those books that you just "can't put down." I feel that if maybe, I find a book that makes me want to stay awake to read it, I'll end up falling asleep instead. I also got some advice to shower at night and use lavender scented soap and lotion. I haven't tried this yet, but have it on my to do list. I'm not big into aromatherapy stuff and am skeptical that it'll work, but I'm still willing to try it. Aaron suggested that I pray at night, because that usually works for him and he feels like if he can get everything off his chest, he'll be clear-minded and able to sleep better. I have tried this as well, and it hasn't really worked yet...what ends up happening is that I get stuck on a certain topic while I'm praying, and I begin perseverating on it, and it just gets my mind spinning even more and more, until it gets to the point that I'm even more awake than when I started. How was that for a run-on sentence? I've also tried getting buzzed, because in the past, a good buzz usually zonked me out. BUT, I can't really rely on this strategy because I'm breastfeeding and don't want to drink so much alcohol that it'll affect my milk. Definitely wouldn't win "mom of the year" award for doing that. So, that only leaves me with a glass or two of wine, and that hasn't really done the trick. Not to mention, drinking usually leaves me engorged, waking up in the middle of the night with breasts as hard as concrete (I know, TMI). I'm not willing to try any medicinal approach, for the same reason as the previous strategy - don't want any sleep meds slipping into my baby boy's milk! Some people have suggested white noise, and that is a terrific idea. However, I've been sleeping with a fan since I can remember. On top of that, Kellen has a noise maker in his nursery that makes ocean noises, and I can hear the ocean noises through the monitor. So, I really have 2 white noises surrounding me when I TRY TO sleep, and they aren't currently working. I really don't know what other options I'm left with, other than checking myself into a mental institution. I sometimes get so frustrated and worked up about this that I feel like screaming!!! Could this possibly be a taste of post-partum depression? I don't think so, because I'm otherwise very happy with my current situation. But it could be...I don't know, I just wish someone had the answer. I'm so obsessed and I feel like if I could just quit worrying about my sleep, it. would. just. happen.
2. House Projects
I'm super pumped that we (well, mostly Aaron) got our major projects done before winter came. We had 3 big projects on our to-do list: fence in the rest of the yard, fix up the driveway (fill the cracks and re -coat the pavement), and replace the upstairs living room window. I was sure we were going to have at least one of those things remaining on our to-do list for next year, but Aaron came through and got them all finished. Just last weekend he did one side of the fence by himself. Blake initially helped him put in the fence posts all around the house and put the fence in on the other side of the house, but they ran out of time so Aaron finished it up by himself. Aaron's step-dad, Jon, helped him replace the upstairs window in July. That was quite the chore because they had to use 2 levels of scaffolding to get the old window out and put the new window in. Not to mention it was a scorcher of a day. Then Aaron finished it up by replacing the trim around the window and fixing up the paint. In June, Aaron and Blake filled all of the cracks in our driveway with asphalt. When that dried up, Aaron coated the entire driveway with black sealant, which was a messy process. He got a little of it on the garage, but we thankfully have some leftover paint and can fix it up next spring. Additionally, I planted a garden that actually survived the summer and fall. I planted some perennials (don't ask me which kind, because I have no idea) that Aunt Patti, the Master Gardener (for reals, she is officially a master gardener - I never knew there was such a thing until she became one), gave me. They actually grew and looked beautiful! However, after Kellen came, I kind of neglected the garden and some weeds took over. I plan on working on it again next spring and summer, though!
3. Going back to work
I'm still dreading going back to work. I only have 5 weeks left of maternity leave. I know I should feel lucky that I was able to take almost 17 weeks of maternity leave to spend with Kellen, but now I want more. I feel like there's got to be some way for me to stay home, but I haven't figured that out yet. I am strongly considering going back to work part-time next year, like maybe working .8 instead of 1.0, which would mean I'd have 1 day off per week. Aaron and I could for sure afford that. I just need to find a place that would let me work part time. Minnetonka has in the past let special ed teachers go down to part time, but I heard through the grapevine that they were getting rid of this and only wanting full-time teachers at each of their elementary schools. It won't hurt to ask, and I do plan on asking and seeing if it would be a possibility. If that won't work, I'd consider searching for Autism Specialist positions in the area. That type of position would be something with more flexibility as far as full time or part time, so its worth considering. The only thing about that type of position is that I wouldn't have "my" students and "my" classroom. Instead, I'd most likely travel between buildings and do things such as consult with special education and classroom teachers, and complete initial ASD assessments and re-evaluations. We will see. The school year just began, essentially, so I have some time to figure it out.
4. My little munchkin
This wouldn't be a post without bragging about my little dude. LOVE HIM, like crazy, obviously. He's so fricken adorable, I just can't get over his cuteness. The most heart-melting moment happened the other night and I want to write about it so I can look back and this post and be like, "yeah, I remember that moment, that was the best!" So, I was nursing Kellen to sleep, per the usual, and he took himself off the boobage and was still awake...little stinker. I sat him on my lap and began burping him, hoping he'd get sleepy by the burping process, but instead he was staring into the closet. He was probably admiring all of his adorable clothes and how nice and organized mommy made it look. Just watching him made me smile, because heck, my kid is fricken cute, and that is definitely smile-worthy. Anywho, he must have seen or sensed me smiling, so he turned his head to me, gave me a HUGE gummy smile and said "Gah." I was in such adoration of this moment that I gave him the biggest, happiest smile, which he then followed up with an even BIGGER smile...and another "Gah." He was saying "I love you, Mommy," I just knew it. That's what he was saying! Gah - I love you. I love you too, Kellen! Sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much!
1. Sleep
Ahhh, such a wonderful thing in theory, yet such a thorn in my ass. I don't know what it is about my relationship with sleep, but it's never been a healthy one. I either get very little sleep or can't get enough. Recently, I'm experiencing the "very little" side of things, and the fact that I'm sitting here blogging about it instead of trying to do it shows that I've just given up completely. How can a person who is so tired and desperate for sleep be so daunted by the task? I truly feel like just giving up and accepting that I may be turning into an insomniac (okay, its not quite that bad, but sometimes I feel like one). I have started doing a night journal to write down all of the thoughts going on in my head, serious and random, to avoid thinking about them while trying to fall asleep. This hasn't worked yet. It's usually the mundane thoughts that take over and ruin my sleep, such as "I should make sure to do some laundry tomorrow" or "how am I going to make sure that Aaron's mom and my mom understand how important it is that Kellen naps well when they come and babysit in December?" Like, come on, can't I just think about doing laundry when I get up tomorrow? Aren't his December naps something I can worry about at the end of November? And then, I try so hard to get these random thoughts out of my head that they keep sneaking up on me, tapping my shoulder, saying "hey, think about it, think about it, you know you want to..." I'm also going to try and quit watching t.v. right before I go to sleep and instead read books. I ordered a couple of memoirs off of amazon.com yesterday and am hoping they get here soon so I can see if that works. I'm currently reading Amazing Gracie, a story about a deaf and partially blind Great Dane, but it's not really hitting the spot and it hasn't really helped my situation. It's a cute book and all, and I enjoy reading books about dogs, but it isn't one of those books that you just "can't put down." I feel that if maybe, I find a book that makes me want to stay awake to read it, I'll end up falling asleep instead. I also got some advice to shower at night and use lavender scented soap and lotion. I haven't tried this yet, but have it on my to do list. I'm not big into aromatherapy stuff and am skeptical that it'll work, but I'm still willing to try it. Aaron suggested that I pray at night, because that usually works for him and he feels like if he can get everything off his chest, he'll be clear-minded and able to sleep better. I have tried this as well, and it hasn't really worked yet...what ends up happening is that I get stuck on a certain topic while I'm praying, and I begin perseverating on it, and it just gets my mind spinning even more and more, until it gets to the point that I'm even more awake than when I started. How was that for a run-on sentence? I've also tried getting buzzed, because in the past, a good buzz usually zonked me out. BUT, I can't really rely on this strategy because I'm breastfeeding and don't want to drink so much alcohol that it'll affect my milk. Definitely wouldn't win "mom of the year" award for doing that. So, that only leaves me with a glass or two of wine, and that hasn't really done the trick. Not to mention, drinking usually leaves me engorged, waking up in the middle of the night with breasts as hard as concrete (I know, TMI). I'm not willing to try any medicinal approach, for the same reason as the previous strategy - don't want any sleep meds slipping into my baby boy's milk! Some people have suggested white noise, and that is a terrific idea. However, I've been sleeping with a fan since I can remember. On top of that, Kellen has a noise maker in his nursery that makes ocean noises, and I can hear the ocean noises through the monitor. So, I really have 2 white noises surrounding me when I TRY TO sleep, and they aren't currently working. I really don't know what other options I'm left with, other than checking myself into a mental institution. I sometimes get so frustrated and worked up about this that I feel like screaming!!! Could this possibly be a taste of post-partum depression? I don't think so, because I'm otherwise very happy with my current situation. But it could be...I don't know, I just wish someone had the answer. I'm so obsessed and I feel like if I could just quit worrying about my sleep, it. would. just. happen.
2. House Projects
I'm super pumped that we (well, mostly Aaron) got our major projects done before winter came. We had 3 big projects on our to-do list: fence in the rest of the yard, fix up the driveway (fill the cracks and re -coat the pavement), and replace the upstairs living room window. I was sure we were going to have at least one of those things remaining on our to-do list for next year, but Aaron came through and got them all finished. Just last weekend he did one side of the fence by himself. Blake initially helped him put in the fence posts all around the house and put the fence in on the other side of the house, but they ran out of time so Aaron finished it up by himself. Aaron's step-dad, Jon, helped him replace the upstairs window in July. That was quite the chore because they had to use 2 levels of scaffolding to get the old window out and put the new window in. Not to mention it was a scorcher of a day. Then Aaron finished it up by replacing the trim around the window and fixing up the paint. In June, Aaron and Blake filled all of the cracks in our driveway with asphalt. When that dried up, Aaron coated the entire driveway with black sealant, which was a messy process. He got a little of it on the garage, but we thankfully have some leftover paint and can fix it up next spring. Additionally, I planted a garden that actually survived the summer and fall. I planted some perennials (don't ask me which kind, because I have no idea) that Aunt Patti, the Master Gardener (for reals, she is officially a master gardener - I never knew there was such a thing until she became one), gave me. They actually grew and looked beautiful! However, after Kellen came, I kind of neglected the garden and some weeds took over. I plan on working on it again next spring and summer, though!
3. Going back to work
I'm still dreading going back to work. I only have 5 weeks left of maternity leave. I know I should feel lucky that I was able to take almost 17 weeks of maternity leave to spend with Kellen, but now I want more. I feel like there's got to be some way for me to stay home, but I haven't figured that out yet. I am strongly considering going back to work part-time next year, like maybe working .8 instead of 1.0, which would mean I'd have 1 day off per week. Aaron and I could for sure afford that. I just need to find a place that would let me work part time. Minnetonka has in the past let special ed teachers go down to part time, but I heard through the grapevine that they were getting rid of this and only wanting full-time teachers at each of their elementary schools. It won't hurt to ask, and I do plan on asking and seeing if it would be a possibility. If that won't work, I'd consider searching for Autism Specialist positions in the area. That type of position would be something with more flexibility as far as full time or part time, so its worth considering. The only thing about that type of position is that I wouldn't have "my" students and "my" classroom. Instead, I'd most likely travel between buildings and do things such as consult with special education and classroom teachers, and complete initial ASD assessments and re-evaluations. We will see. The school year just began, essentially, so I have some time to figure it out.
4. My little munchkin
This wouldn't be a post without bragging about my little dude. LOVE HIM, like crazy, obviously. He's so fricken adorable, I just can't get over his cuteness. The most heart-melting moment happened the other night and I want to write about it so I can look back and this post and be like, "yeah, I remember that moment, that was the best!" So, I was nursing Kellen to sleep, per the usual, and he took himself off the boobage and was still awake...little stinker. I sat him on my lap and began burping him, hoping he'd get sleepy by the burping process, but instead he was staring into the closet. He was probably admiring all of his adorable clothes and how nice and organized mommy made it look. Just watching him made me smile, because heck, my kid is fricken cute, and that is definitely smile-worthy. Anywho, he must have seen or sensed me smiling, so he turned his head to me, gave me a HUGE gummy smile and said "Gah." I was in such adoration of this moment that I gave him the biggest, happiest smile, which he then followed up with an even BIGGER smile...and another "Gah." He was saying "I love you, Mommy," I just knew it. That's what he was saying! Gah - I love you. I love you too, Kellen! Sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much!
The lack of sleep was a huge issue for me...one that I even discussed during therapy because it was causing me to go insane! When we moved to IL I was up until at least 2am each night. My therapist was the one who suggested a "calming routine" an hour before bed. Bath/shower, aromatherapy (the sleep scent at B&B in lavender camomielle (sp??) is my favorite!), book, bed. Importanly avoiding the computer and tv...because I got really sucked into those at night. I hope you find something that helps you though! I know how sucky that can be. Have you been napping during the day?? That could be a big issue. I know what you mean about all the random thoughts going through your head though...my head swirls with crap that I really don't need to be thinking about at that moment! Maybe you could have some sort of matra to repeat to yourself when you find crazy thoughts popping into your head??
ReplyDeleteI can't believe how big Kellen is getting! Your little man is as cute as ever! Every picture I see I just want to kiss those cheeks of his!
I unfortunately don't think I have any advice for the sleeping troubles...wish I did have that magic answer for you, because I know how terrible it is to not get enough sleep! Hope it gets better for you soon.
ReplyDeleteCongrats on the house projects! That must be a huge feeling of accomplishment, and now you are ready to hole up for the winter (as us Minnesotans do so well) without feeling like you left work undone.
I cannot wait to see Kellen again today - he looks so much bigger in all the pictures you've posted!!! That is totally adorable that he looked at you and smiled. So precious.
Oh man Suzi, I can't imagine how horrible it would be not to sleep well. I really hope you can find something that will work.
ReplyDeleteThanks for clarifying that your aunt is a Master Gardener for real--I had that question in my head and then I just had to read on to find out :) Sounds like you've been really super busy too.