My adorable, snuggly, kissable, most amazing little man just rocks my world and I can't imagine my life without him. I thought my life before him was good, but the way I feel about life now is just insanely wonderful. So many people told me that there is no greater love than the love you feel for your child, and I "got it" as much as someone without a child could. I get it now. Totally. Kellen is for sure, The Love of My Life. I mean, of course, I love Aaron more than I can describe and am so thankful that he came into my life. Obviously. He's the one who made it possible for Kellen to be here and I will love him forever and ever and ever. But the love I feel for my child is just so immense and palpable that I find myself in tears sometimes just thinking about it. This little man is half of me and half of the other person that I love most in this world - how could I not be so crazy about him? I was asked by my birthing instructor to come and speak to her recent birthing class about Kellen's birth and new mommy experiences. I am not one to speak in public - in fact, I hate it. But as soon as she asked I was like, "of course I will!" I LOVE talking about my little man, and what better opportunity would there be than this!? The last thing I said to these about-to-be parents was "This is the BEST love you will ever feel." And its true. Totally. The. Best.
I don't go back to work for another 6 1/2 weeks, but I'm already dreading it. Before I had Kellen, I never thought I would want to be or consider being a stay at home mom. But now that I'm a mommy, I've changed my mind. I could totally do it. And I REALLY want to. If it weren't for financial reasons, I would do it. I know I am going to be a crazy wreck come November 29th and I'm not quite sure how I will make it through the day. I know that hundreds of thousands of moms have gone back to work after having a baby and been ok, but I really don't think I will be. I love my baby and I don't want anyone else to spend the day with my baby but me. I know that sounds possessive and hoggy, but its how I feel. I'm grateful that my Mom and Mother-in-law will be able to watch him in December and that we found a great daycare lady to start in January (Kellen will be 1 of only 3 kids, which I'm SOOO thankful for - I didn't want him to be just another kid at daycare - he is the only infant and the other 2 children are toddlers). But, I want it to be ME with Kellen, not someone else. I know it sounds silly, but I am so worried that Kellen will forget about me and get used to me not being there when he's at daycare. I don't want to him to cry because he has to go home with me. I don't want him to prefer daycare. I don't want his first crawl, first step, first word to be at daycare. I want to be there for those firsts, and it just hurts to think that those firsts could happen with someone other than his mommy. I don't know, am I being selfish? I sure don't think I am, but who knows!!
So, because I know I have to go back to work in a matter of weeks, I'm going to do my best to cherish the days I have at home with Kellen. I'm going to love, snuggle, kiss, hug, squeeze, and giggle all day and all night long, even if it drives everyone else crazy! Kellen is my sweet love, my baby boy, and I don't want to miss a minute.
I have some cute videos to post, but I can't seem to post them on here. Something about me needing to convert it to another file. Can anyone help me w/ that? :)
I had a love/hate relationship with going back to work from maternity leave. I liked getting back out and socalizing with co workers, having a reason to shower and look nice, and getting a break from changing poopy diapers. But I really hated that I was missing out on all of the snuggles and play time. That's great that Kellen will be 1 of 3 kids! That was the ratio of Isla's daycare too. Isla always had a huge smile on her face when we came to pick her up. We loved that she loved our daycare lady though, but she was always happy to see us! Kellen will be happy to see you at the end of each day, trust me!
ReplyDeleteIs there anyway you can possibly work part time eventually?
I can't wait to see vidoes! I usually edit my videos in Windows Movie Maker and then they always upload to blogger with no problem.
I totally agree Suzi, there is no greater love/bond than a mother and her child! I sometimes wonder if I can ever love another one as much as Colton but I am sure when the new baby comes there will be plenty to go around! And I hear you about wanting to be at home with him everyday all day! I was lucky enough to work very part time until Colton was 15 months but now that I am back to work full time and I see how much he loves spending a couple days a week with all of his friends at school I am totally okay with it. I know with a baby it will harder becuase they can't tell you that they are okay when you are not around, but he will be and it will make your evenings and weekends together just that much more memorable! Love the updates and can't wait to see the vidoes (I am not help on how to load them, mine have always just worked so I don't know what to do if they don't).
ReplyDeleteYou are so sweet Suzi. Clearly a natural at this mom stuff, it is so obvious to anyone that talks to you how much you love your son. I am so happy to have been able to be around to see you become a mom!
ReplyDeleteAnd yeah, going back to work is soooooo hard. Like debilitating. Those first couple days will be rough, and it won't seem like it then, or now, but every day will get easier. Really. And then all of a sudden you'll have figured it out, and you guys will get into a groove.
I completely agree with Bets, there are the goods and bads about being a working mom. And I think you will really love going back to doing what you love professionally, spending time with your coworkers. You'll miss kellen for sure, but you guys will figure it out in time. It's so hard. Ugh. I remember exactly how you're feeling, and I sobbed the entire way to work that first day, but it got better.
Also, sounds like you guys have an AWESOME situation worked out for daycare. Like seriously, that is so wonderful that he will be the only baby! He will get plenty of snuggles and love.
And there is NO WAY that he will prefer day care to his mom and dad. Seriously, don't let yourself think those thoughts again, like Bets said, he will greet you with crazy smiles every day when you pick him up. Honestly, the BEST part of my day is when I get home from work, (Dan picks up Gus), and walk in that door, seeing Gus toddle across the room, "mama mama mama" big huge smile on his face. I pick him up and he just starts crazily laughing and rubbing his head into my neck, open mouth kisses. Big huge bear hugs. More laughing and giggling. It is just the best. They don't forget about you. That I know FOR SURE.
Well, I don't have a lot to say, because I am one of the ones who don't get it yet. Wonder if I ever will. Anyway, I think it's terrific that you are making a point of cherishing your time before you have to go to work.
ReplyDelete