Seriously, where did this adorable little man come from?!?!?I was shocked when I looked at the calendar the other day and realized that I've already been back to work for 8 weeks. The last 2 months have seriously flown by, which is bitter sweet. I'm happy work is passing by so fast (before I know it, I'll be spending day after day with my little buddy for summer break), but am sad that these last 2 months of Kellen's development have gone by in the blink of an eye. It makes me realize that I really need to treasure these times with Kellen, because he is growing up without me even realizing it.
A few snippets of my life as of recent:
1 - Pumping is a part time job. I knew pumping wasn't going to be the most enjoyable experience, but it truly is quite a pain in the ass. My prep time and lunch has pretty much vanished as I now spend any "spare" time I have in a closet-sized room off the nurse's office (and on Mondays, I literally pump in a closet in the nurse's office...long story). The first couple weeks of pumping I was so overwhelmed by how much time it was taking out of my already packed work day, but I was determined to make it work. Now that I've gotten used to the routine, however, its become at least bearable (especially since learning a dandy new trick). I used to wash out my pump parts after every session, but another pumpin' mama that I met at a LLL meeting gave me some great advice. She told me that if I brought along a few extra ice packs, I could just put my pump parts in my little cooler after each session and the cold from the ice packs would keep the milk leftover on the parts cool enough to where I wouldn't have to worry about milk spoilage. Nice. Since heeding her advice, I now save myself 5 - 10 minutes a day by not having to clean up after every session. Additionally, I realized that some of my nursing bras did a decent job of holding the breast shields in place, so now I can pump hands-free! When I'm feeling ultra-motivated, I check out a laptop and do some work while I'm pumping.
I've always known that the people I work with are absolutely wonderful, but since starting my journey of being a pumping teacher, I've learned that they are also very understanding! I used to worry that my other half at work (she is the other person who has the exact same position as me) would get annoyed with me being gone 2-3 times a day to do my business, but she's been really supportive. So many of the ladies at work have been there, done that; I've had so many of my coworkers tell me "Good for you...I wish I could've done it longer...do it as long as you're able." And so I will! Don't get me wrong, there have been quite a few awkward moments, like the time one of my students saw me walk down the hall (I was trying to be discreet) w/ a bottle full of milk and inquired as to why I had it...and the time our p.e. teacher stopped by the nurse's office and wondered what all of those little bottles and the black bag with tubes was for...and the time(s) a para has needed to get into the nurse's closet mid-session to grab something she forgot while I sit there, uncomfortably, trying to cover my chest.
All in all, even though it is a big pain in the rear, I'm super happy that I decided to breastfeed and furthermore, decided to continue breastfeeding while working. It makes me feel happy that I'm able to continue providing the best nutrition possible for Kellen. Even though it is a lot of work and I don't get as much done in a day as I wish I could, it's all worth it. Someday Kellen will be able to thank me for it!
2 - Being a parent has definitely changed the dynamics of our marriage. I love my husband so much and feel so blessed that he is such a caring and attentive father to Kellen, but I will admit that there have been some struggles trying to figure this parenthood thing out. It was slightly easier to manage when I was at home and didn't have to balance being a mom, wife, and teacher. But now that I'm back at work, I'm finding that I'm not as patient with Aaron as I thought I'd be and that I have to be more explicit in expressing my needs. For instance, I was getting quite mad when Aaron would call me at the end of his work day every other Friday to tell me he wanted to go to happy hour with his coworkers. Pre-parenthood, I wouldn't have had a problem with this, but now that we have such a huge responsibility, I want him to share some of the workload. Considering that I am the one who gets up with Kellen in the middle of the night for feedings, the one who gets up and preps all of Kellen's things and leaves for work before anyone else has even awoken, the one who picks Kellen up from daycare, and the one who puts him to sleep every night, I wanted some of the other responsibilities to fall on Aaron. And when he decides that he NEEDS to go out with his friends (when I haven't had the opportunity to do so, in, ahem, over 2 months) and makes me feel guilty for not wanting him to go, I get VERY angry. Does he not realize that I slave away at work all day and use up my prep time and lunch time pumping breast milk for our little boy? Does he not realize that he gets at least 1hour of sleep more than I do every night, if not more? Does he not realize that I don't even have the option of going out with my friends on a weeknight because I do pick up? Does he not realize that when he stays out with friends after work for 1 - 2 hours, that means I am trying to juggle Kellen, dinner, Kellen's bath, washing my pump parts and Kellen's bottles, picking up the house, and trying to get ready for the next day all by myself??? He clearly didn't realize this, and so I had to spell it out for him. That's fine if you want to go out with your friends, but I need to know a few days in advance, and it can't be a weekly occurrence. That's fine that you get to sleep in later because you get to go to work later, but then you have to get up in the middle of the night to help me out. That's fine that you're not the one with the boobs and that I'm the one supplying nutrition for Kellen, but then you have to occasionally wash the bottles and pump parts. Can you see that I've been letting this frustration fester a little bit? Yeah. It's gotten better, though, because I've learned that I need to be more direct with Aaron and help him see the big picture (i.e. it's not just you anymore; it's you, me, Kellen, and Reesie).
3 - Kellen is becoming an independent being. He wants to be out and about, exploring the world (our house), and doesn't need his mama by his side all the time like he used to. Don't get me wrong, he still enjoys his snuggles every now and then, but I can definitely tell he's ready to get out there. He's not quite crawling, yet, but he's rolling, scooting, and sitting like no body's business. Watch out world, here comes Kellen!
Speaking of milestones, how does one not get paranoid that her baby isn't developing as fast as the baby down the street? I try really hard not to, but I'm constantly thinking, "Well, Erin's son started crawling at 6 months, why isn't Kellen crawling? Karen's daughter got teeth at 6 months, why doesn't Kellen have teeth yet? So-and-so's baby started babbling at 6 1/2 months, why isn't Kellen babbling yet?" I HATE that I'm constantly comparing, and I'm sure that Kellen probably did some things earlier than these kids, but I am frequently worried that he's not developing at the typical pace. I know there's such variability with each baby, but it's really hard not to wonder when your baby will do the next thing. Seriously, Suzi. Relax. See those pictures up there? That boy is growing WAY too fast!
4 - I have a new perspective on teaching because of being a mama. Having my own child who is going to someday be someone's student, I now understand the kind of blind trust you have to have when sending your kids to school. I always wondered "why can't they just trust that I'm doing a good job?" Well, now I know. It's not that they didn't trust me. It's just that they wanted the absolute best for their child and wanted proof that their teacher(s) cared as much for their child as they possibly could. Knowing that these parents care for their child the way I care for Kellen, I approach my job with an entirely new perspective. I definitely think being a mom has made me a better teacher.
I can totally relate to this post! Pumping is not fun. I have had my days when I thought about giving up on breastfeeding all together but I have stuck it out for Mason. It is a lot of work being the only one person who can provide nutrition for your child. I do pump as well so that Frankie can help with some feedings when he is home - just gives me a little break which is much needed sometimes. Hang in there, you are doing an awesome job momma! Also good for you for talking to Aaron about how you feel, I think they don't always realize how hard it can be for us. I always thought breastfeeding was no big deal, easy peasy, that was until now when I am doing it all day every day... it takes a lot out of you. Of course if you ever need someone to talk to or vent to just give me a call!
ReplyDeleteOkay so much to say! We need to see each other IN PERSON because I feel like there is just so much to catch up on. Thank goodness we have a playdate planned! (Speaking of, I will send an email to you two ladies very soon, so we can work out the details.)
ReplyDeleteFirst, you are a pumping/nursing ROCKSTAR. Seriously, nice job mama. Pumping is hard, but like you said, gets easier when you get into a groove. Definitely. And I'm so glad you found a good trick that saves you lots of time! I have done the same, at my one office there's a refrigerator in the little pumping room that I would put my uncleaned parts. Saved SO MUCH TIME to not have to clean everything. That's definitely the worst part. But yeah, pumping at work makes for lots of ridiculous and somewhat embarassing stories huh? Again, gotta say it. You're awesome.
Second - about the marriage stuff, YES! TOTALLY get that. Finding balance, working, mama-ing, wife-ing, getting OUT once in a while, can be so difficult. And yeah, have had some of the very same arguments with Dan. And everything got much better when we got everything out in the open, and didn't let the anger/annoyance just fester. We sort of worked out a routine where we would both do bath/bedtime together, then he would go down and start washing the bottles/pump parts and getting the pump bag and Gus's bag all ready for the next day. Then when I had finished putting Gus down, I'd come downstairs and help him finish getting everything ready for the next morning. It just is way too overwhelming for someone to do everything by themselves on a consistent basis. And I also find it way too overwhelming to leave any of it for the morning. And yeah, you end up with like a whole half hour before you have to go to bed yourself right?! Being a working mom is exhausting.
Finally, I LOVED your last point, about being a mom making you a better teacher. I love that it has given you a different perspective, and I completely agree. It is SO DIFFERENT when it is YOUR KID. Right? And now, you can totally get that, and understand why parents might seem a bit crazy sometimes, and understand that it's not that they don't trust you, it's that this little person is their whole life, that this little person relies on them to make sure they're not put in bad situations, to watch out for them and make sure they're not just "another kid" in the system. As a parent, your "mama bear" instincts just come out. Anyway, love that buddy.
You're awesome.