I don't know what it is, but I've been extremely emotional and sentimental these last few weeks. I'm having a hard time putting my finger on exactly what prompted these feelings, but I think like it may help to just get them down on paper (well, this is not paper, but you know what I mean).
With Kellen's first birthday fast approaching, I'm finding myself experiencing occasional bouts of sadness at how fast this time has gone. I mean, this is the time of my life that I have essentially been waiting for my whole life, if that makes any sense. I always knew I wanted to be a mother, and now that it's here, I just want it to slow down. I look around at all of the people who have grown children and feel sad that I am someday not going to be able to have my little babies with me at all times, snuggling with me and climbing my leg. It makes me sad that I only get to experience this stage of motherhood for such a short period of time, and that someday I'm going to look back and wish that I could have more time. Clearly, I know I should just 'live in the moment' and 'not take for granted' what I have (and believe me, I know how lucky I am), but is it crazy of me to just wish I could push 'pause?' Do all mothers feel this feeling? I know there are so many wonderful moments ahead (first days of school, sports, dances, graduation, etc), but I love THIS moment and don't want it to go away.
On top of that feeling, I'm starting to think about baby #2 - Am I ready? When will I know if I'm ready? Will I ever be 100% ready? There are times when I feel like I'm ready, but then I start to confuse that feeling of readiness with pregnancy envy (because, Good Lord, everyone around me seems to be pregnant)! Is the fact that I'm even thinking about baby number 2 telling me that I'm ready, or is this something all moms go through? The love that I feel for Kellen is just so amazing that I want to experience it over-and-over again, yet I don't want to share that love at all, because that love is for Kellen. Is it really possible for me to love another human being the way I love Kellen? My heart is already so big, I can't imagine it getting any bigger. Hmmmm...ready, not ready, ready, not ready. Does one ever really know when they are ready, or do you just kind of have to jump into it not really knowing?
These are the questions/feelings/thoughts that have been consuming my mind lately. Enjoy.
With Kellen's first birthday fast approaching, I'm finding myself experiencing occasional bouts of sadness at how fast this time has gone. I mean, this is the time of my life that I have essentially been waiting for my whole life, if that makes any sense. I always knew I wanted to be a mother, and now that it's here, I just want it to slow down. I look around at all of the people who have grown children and feel sad that I am someday not going to be able to have my little babies with me at all times, snuggling with me and climbing my leg. It makes me sad that I only get to experience this stage of motherhood for such a short period of time, and that someday I'm going to look back and wish that I could have more time. Clearly, I know I should just 'live in the moment' and 'not take for granted' what I have (and believe me, I know how lucky I am), but is it crazy of me to just wish I could push 'pause?' Do all mothers feel this feeling? I know there are so many wonderful moments ahead (first days of school, sports, dances, graduation, etc), but I love THIS moment and don't want it to go away.
On top of that feeling, I'm starting to think about baby #2 - Am I ready? When will I know if I'm ready? Will I ever be 100% ready? There are times when I feel like I'm ready, but then I start to confuse that feeling of readiness with pregnancy envy (because, Good Lord, everyone around me seems to be pregnant)! Is the fact that I'm even thinking about baby number 2 telling me that I'm ready, or is this something all moms go through? The love that I feel for Kellen is just so amazing that I want to experience it over-and-over again, yet I don't want to share that love at all, because that love is for Kellen. Is it really possible for me to love another human being the way I love Kellen? My heart is already so big, I can't imagine it getting any bigger. Hmmmm...ready, not ready, ready, not ready. Does one ever really know when they are ready, or do you just kind of have to jump into it not really knowing?
These are the questions/feelings/thoughts that have been consuming my mind lately. Enjoy.
Time really does fly, doesn't it? I don't have personal experience in regards to a child, but I know what it's like to want to pause during great moments and make them last forever. The best we can do is take those memories with us and know that something probably equally as great is waiting for us next. I can't wait to see Kellen at his birthday party - he has grown into the most smiley, adorable little man!
ReplyDeleteOkay I can totally relate! I think with Colton was always excited about the next stage because in the back on my mind I knew we would have another baby and get to experience it all over again. But with Mason every milestone is exciting and heartbreaking at the same time, I am not sure I will be experiencing all these "firsts" again so I just want to slow everything down and enjoy every second of every moment. I find myself very sad some days at how fast it is going and at the fact that I have to work so much and I am missing so much of his first year (with Colton I got to stay home until he was 15 months old)! I know that so many other mother's deal with working all the time and they get through it just fine but there are many days that I feel so guilty and in a selfish way wish I could be at home just so I can soak in every moment of this baby stage! So no you are not alone in your feelings and about number 2 you will never be "ready" but believe me as soon as the second one arrives your heart will double in size!! If you ever want someone to talk to I am always available.
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