Too soon.

Tuesday, July 19th
~Kellen only took the boob once today. That's it. Once. Every other time I tried to even bring him near it, he arched his back and flailed his arms like he was having convulsions. Awful crying fits. Clearly, he is not interested. No ma'am, get that thing away from me. Maybe he's not hungry? Nope. That's not it. Every time he refused the boob, I got him a bottle and he took the expressed milk down like you wouldn't believe. What's wrong with me? I smelled my boobs (I know, gross)...nothing out of the ordinary (not like I always go around smelling my boobs, because I don't, but ya know, maybe there was deodorant or funky smelling lotion that I wasn't aware of). Is something wrong with the taste? Can't be. (I know what you're thinking, and no, I didn't taste it - but I have tasted it just once, and it tastes very sweet, if you were wondering.) I'm not eating anything unusual. Can't figure this out...back to the pump for the day. Frustrating. We'll try again tomorrow. Maybe he's just teething (my usual go-to excuse for when he's not acting himself).


Wednesday, July 20th
~Okay, seriously dude? What is wrong? Why do you not want the boob? You love the boob! These boobs have been helping you grow for the past (almost) year! This is really starting to make me sad. In comparison to yesterday, I'm seeing more of the same (flailing arms, arched back, crying), but today you won't even attempt it one time. Not once! You're sure loving your bottle. Lame!!! Back to the pump. I sure am getting sick of that sound (we-wu, we-wu, we-wu, we-wu). I thought I was done with that dreadful thing once school was out. Guess not. Here's hoping for a better day tomorrow.


Thursday, July 21st
~Hmmmmmm...deep breaths...this will be okay, this is just a phase. At least I hope so. He is absolutely refusing the boob. Won't even try. Now this is just cruel. Your mommy wasn't ready yet. Seems like you are, though. And I need to respect that. Do I even attempt any more, hoping that maybe you'll change your mind tomorrow? I can't give up all hope. Not yet. I will try just once at your usual feeding times, and if you give me the sign, I will respectfully grab your bottle. Yes, this is my plan. I will go with this for a few days and see where I'm at. Maybe this is a blessing in disguise? Maybe I should accept that he is ready to be done. I'll just use up all of the frozen milk that I have, pump a few more days, and start transitioning him to whole milk a few days before his birthday. This is my plan if my attempts continue to fail.


Friday, July 22nd
~One benefit of this sudden strike is that Kellen is sleeping through the night more consistently. He's slept through the night almost a week straight now, sleeping 10 - 11 hour stretches. This morning, when I was awoken by his grumbles through the monitor, I rose with hope that maybe he'd changed his mind and wanted to nurse. I put on a brave face before entering his room because I didn't want him to sense my trepidation...maybe he's not wanting to nurse because he can feel my sadness and anxiety over this whole transition. There he was, my sweet baby boy, all smiles to see his mama. Maybe today was going to be different. I changed his diaper and gave him about a million kisses, per the usual, and headed over to our favorite seat in the house. As soon as I pulled out the boob, he looked at it as if it were some sort of alien. Not interested, not one bit. I pulled out the other boob, thinking that maybe he just didn't want the left one. Nope. Still not interested. Okay, I'll go get your bottle, baby boy. Back to the pump...

~10:23 on Friday night and I'm sitting at the computer pumping, reading up on nursing strikes. I've convinced myself that this is what we're going through. It has to be. He'll start nursing again. That is my hope. But what if he doesn't? How long will I keep going with this damn pump? A week? Two weeks? A month? I promised myself, and Kellen, that we'd nurse for at least a year. I've got enough frozen breast milk to last a few days, and if I continue to pump a few times a day, that should get us to his big day. But its not even about that, really. I just wasn't ready for that special bonding time to be over. The time that was meant for Kellen and mommy only. No one else allowed. Putting him to sleep at night with a bottle just doesn't seem right. I love knowing that he needs me, that he needs the snuggle of his mommy to fall asleep at night. It breaks my heart to think that it might be over. I wish I'd at least had a warning, so I could have prepared myself that it was coming to an end. So many mixed feelings right now. I'm just a silly mess. Who would've ever thought something like this could be so difficult?

Alright, time to pack up the pump. Hoping tomorrow will bring a latch.


Saturday, July 23rd
~Nope, no latch today. One of the articles I read about nursing strikes suggested just spending a lot of time snuggling; this might prompt Kellen to want to nurse again. When he woke up this morning, I sat with him snuggled on my chest, watching the thunderstorm come in. We sat like this for a while. It was very sweet. After a while I pulled out the milk-makers, and he just sat and looked at them, no desire to nurse at all. He poked at one of them a couple of times, and then he was done. This is what makes me think this isn't a nursing strike at all, but perhaps a sign that he's moved on to bigger and better things (EBM from sippy cups). He's always had the attitude of "Mommy, I'm a big boy. I don't need this baby stuff." He still loves breast milk, don't get me wrong, just not directly from my boobs. Well, okay buddy.

Oh, I forgot to mention...I'm pretty sure he's cutting 2 new teeth - I see what seems to be tips just beneath the surface of where his two front top teeth will someday be. That might explain it, but I'm highly doubtful, as he has no problem sucking on any and everything else around the house. We shall see.

Because of the emotional toll this is taking on me, I've decided to set a deadline for how much longer I'll play these nursing charades. If he still hasn't attempted to nurse by next weekend, I'm done. I'm going to pack away the pump, and count my losses. (I got a big lump in my throat just now as I was typing that, but I think its the right thing.) If he goes almost two weeks without nursing, I think he's made it pretty clear that he's ready to be done. I'll have to put my big-girl panties on and just deal with it.


Sunday, July 24th
Kellen slept 12 hours straight last night! Amazing. At least he's letting me sleep through the night during this emotional time. I wish I had fabulous news to report on the breastfeeding front, but no such luck. Didn't take the boob today. We're officially at 5 days of no breastfeeding. When I pumped this morning, I was quite disappointed with how little came out. I'm usually good for 5 ounces on each side after a long stretch at night, but today it was a measly 3 ounces from the left boob (the lefty always wins), and 2 1/2 ounces from the right. At the rate we're going, I'm going to be dried up in a matter of days. I looked through my frozen milk supply in the freezer, and there's a total of 44 ounces. I did the math, and with only producing 10 - 15 ounces a day with pumping, we'll be out of milk by or before his birthday. I went and bought some organic whole milk. I wasn't planning on making that transition until after his birthday, but under the circumstances, I'm thinking it'll be best to start the transition a week beforehand. I'm hoping this whole milk goes well, because I don't know what we'll do if it doesn't. I assume I'll have to go back to pumping every 3 hours, which is something I do NOT want to do. Not with a busy baby and only one month of summer vacation left.

I'm giving this one more week baby boy - I hope you change your mind before mama dries up. Smooches.


Monday, July 26th
~As I've been preparing for Kellen's birthday party, I've been scouring through my hundreds of pictures of his very first days on this earth. I ran into this one, which just made this whole transition even more difficult...

(Please ignore my double chin and gross acne. I know we've all been there, but it's hard to look at pictures of yourself in such a painful state.)

This is probably his 1st or 2nd day...we were both just getting used to this whole mommy/baby thing. I remember how hard nursing was those first few days. Those first few weeks, in fact. I didn't imagine it would be that hard, but it was so important for me to give that gift to Kellen. In the end, it ended up being just as much a gift for myself.

Here we are, 11 months and 3 weeks later, coming to the end of a beautiful nursing relationship. Ending a little bit sooner than I'd hoped, but I'm so thankful we were able to have this special time. I know he'll never remember this past year, and how important nursing was to him (and more so to his mama), but I hope someday, when he's a grown man and has his own children, he'll somehow appreciate the special bond that nursing created. I ran into an amazing book earlier this summer, and it pretty much sums up how I feel about my sweet baby boy. I can't help but shed tears every time I read it to him, especially during this transition. It's called Love You Forever and it's one of my favorite books to read to Kellen. Ever since Kellen was born, I've told him that I'm never going to let him move away from me - I'm going to buy him a house right next door so that I can go over and see him whenever I want. Maybe I'll even climb into his window at night and rock him to sleep, just like the mom in this story.

Anywho, Kellen did not nurse again today. When I woke up this morning, my boobs were less engorged than they usually are. I think my body has finally realized that it no longer needs to do what its been doing for the past year. So sad. If he doesn't nurse tonight, it'll be one week. According to what I've read, most nursing strikes only last 2 - 4 days. This is twice that. Who am I kidding? This isn't a strike. He is no longer my nursing baby. He is on the doorstep of toddlerhood, and oh-so-ready. There's no holding this kid back - he does what he wants to do, when he wants to do it. I mean, look at him? Could he be anymore of a toddler?


You can't help but fall in love with this kid. I fall in love with him every day.

I love you Kellen. This has been a very special year and I'm so glad we've been able to have such a special relationship. Like the book says,

"I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living, my baby you'll be."