Why?

*A word of caution to anyone about to embark on this post. It is sad. And scary. And if you are pregnant, you might not want to read it. Not sure how else to say that...


I'm not going to lie. I'm angry. My faith in the Lord is definitely being tested right now. How does this happen? I wouldn't wish this fate on my worst enemy, let alone my SISTER!

Stillborn. Hearing this word makes me cringe. Makes my heart sink. It didn't have to happen to anyone I knew, the word alone is enough to break the heart of anyone, even the most awful of people.

I was home with Kellen on Tuesday afternoon. I'd just put him down for his second nap. He'd thrown up a few times the day before, so I kept him home to get some rest. He didn't throw up again, but was very tired. Napped a total of 5 hours that day, in fact. Anyways...I was sitting at the computer when my phone rang. It was my mom's cell phone. I immediately thought "Stephanie's either in labor or had her baby girl!" I answered the phone with "is Steph in labor?" which was followed by sobs and crying. My heart sank immediately. My mom responded with "Stephanie is going to have a stillborn. She is in labor right now." At first my reaction was pure shock. I think I asked 'what?' about 10 times before I actually comprehended what my mom was telling me. You mean to tell me that the baby girl my sister's been waiting for for the last 9 months is dead? Hannah is losing her baby sister? Stephanie is going through labor knowing that baby Lexi will be dead at the end of it? My niece is dead? I don't know how many questions ran through my head in a millisecond, or how long the silence lasted, but it felt like an eternity...

My mom shared that earlier that morning, Tuesday, November 29th, Stephanie woke up with some labor pains. Her contractions were 3 minutes apart, so she was going to go to the clinic to get checked out. She called Kevin, the baby's father, and he left work and met her at the clinic. Hannah was at school - she's a kindergartner - so my mom would pick her up and share the news after school. When Stephanie got to the clinic, the Dr. pulled out the Doppler to check the heartbeat. Nothing. Maybe this Doppler was defective? He got another one. Nothing. He called for someone to bring in a portable ultrasound machine. She could tell his concern was skyrocketing. She tried to remain calm, but knew something was wrong. He got the machine set up, looked at Lexi, and no heartbeat. Lexi is dead.

I wasn't there, and neither was my mother, but I can only imagine the awful silence in the room. Stephanie was in labor, so they transported her over to the hospital, which was just next door. At this point, someone called my mother and asked her to come to the hospital. She asked the nurse "So she's in labor, then?" And the nurse said, "We'd like you to come to the hospital." My mom wasn't sure what was going on, but she assumed Stephanie was in labor and that maybe there were some minor complications. She went to the hospital and when she walked into Steph's labor room, it was pure silence. Stephanie was standing up, Kevin was rubbing her back, and a nurse was getting her i.v. set up. Stephanie needed to use the restroom, so while she was in the bathroom, Kevin came over and told my mom what was going on. They couldn't find a heartbeat. Lexi has passed. Stephanie is going to deliver her tonight.

This is where it is all a blur for my mom. My brother was called. I was called. My sister Julie was called. I wasn't sure what to do, but I knew there was no way I was going to work the following days, and I knew I had to be there, for my sister, for my family, for Lexi. I called Aaron. Pure shock. Not sure what to say. Crying...silence on the other end. Told him he'd need to take over Kellen duty for the next couple days until we figured out what was going to happen next. I called my work, sobbing, saying that I wouldn't be in the rest of the week and that I'd need a sub. They said they'd take care of it. I called Kristen, my coworker, sobbing still, telling her I wouldn't be there and that I'd send her my lesson plans later this evening. Then I called my mom back, and told her I'd be coming down the next morning and that I'd stay until Thursday, but that I had a Dr. appointment that I needed to be at (more on that in later posts) on Friday morning...and that I'd come back to Winona for as long as necessary to help with whatever needed to be done.

The rest of the night was a blur. Kellen woke up from his nap. My dad was in town because he had an appointment at the VA, so when he came over for dinner, I broke the news to him. More shock. After my dad left, I played with Kellen, did my best to put on a front, because even though he's only 15 (almost 16) months, he can still sense when Mommy is sad...after I put him to bed for the night, I called my mom to get more news. I couldn't reach her, so I called my brother and talked to him for a while. Then I called my mom back, and got her. Stephanie had Lexi. She was a big girl. 10. 75 ounces, 20 inches long. Dark red hair. Beautiful. Everyone is sad. Crying. Steph, Kevin, Hannah, and grandma got to hold her. Lots of sadness. Lots of crying after I got off the phone with her. Dreaded going down to Winona the following day because of all the sadness, but I knew I had to...I had to be there for my sister. No matter how hard it would be, I just had to suck it up and go.

Sleeping that night was impossible. I don't think I fell asleep until at least 1:30. Woke up at 3:30 to use the bathroom. Didn't fall asleep again until maybe 4:30. Was up at 7 to see off my boys. Lots of hugs and kisses for Kellen - thinking of these moments were going to help me get through the next few days.

The drive took forever (its only 2 1/2 hours), even though I was not looking forward to actually getting there, so longer would've been better. I'd made a cd for the ride; I felt the need for angry music. So that someone could know how angry I was. Confused. Pissed. Why, God?????

After pulling onto the road that led to the hospital, I started shaking. So nervous. 2nd floor, room 202. I just kept repeating this in my head so I wouldn't have to think about what I was going to be walking in to. When I walked into the hospital, I felt like people could see it on my face. Maybe they couldn't, but I thought they could. Small-ish town = small hospital. It didn't take me long to get to her room. As soon as I got to 202, I stopped and took a deep breath. At this moment, I noticed that there was a special picture on her door. A white rose, so that anyone entering this room would know that this person lost her baby. "Take a deep breath, this is going to be hard, but you can do it." I lightly knocked, peeked my head in, and said "hello?" My mom answered, and so I walked in. The second Steph and I locked eyes, we both lost it. I ran over to her bed and we both started crying into each other's arms. Lots and lots of crying. I somehow managed to get the words "I'm so sorry" out, and I know she heard me. We hugged and cried some more. At some point, I got off her bed and went to sit on the couch in her room. It was quiet for a while. She asked if I wanted to see Lexi. I said yes. The night before, when my mom said that she'd held her, I began to cry because I'd wanted to hold her, and didn't think I'd get to because I just didn't know what the rules were with this sort of thing. When I found out I'd get to hold her, I was relieved, but also so scared. I didn't know what it was going to be like to hold my niece...my niece who had gone off to heaven. I guess one never thinks about something like that. You never think you'll know someone who goes through that. You hope you never know someone who goes through that. Now I knew someone - my sister.

The hospital where Steph delivered has a special program called "Little Ones Remembered" - and with this, a special nurse works with the mother who experienced the loss. These 'special' nurses are real nurses, but they're special because they'd all experienced a pregnancy loss themselves. Well, all I have to say about these ladies is that they are all angels. My sister felt so loved, so taken care of. And I am so thankful for these ladies because of that.

Renee was the special nurse for Stephanie the day that I came to visit. She was amazing. After Steph asked if I wanted to see Lexi, she pushed the buzzer and Renee came in. Stephanie asked to see Lexi, and Renee immediately grabbed the portable bassinet and went to get her. This is where the anxiety really set it. What was it going to be like? How was I going to react? A couple minutes later, Renee came in with Lexi. She was wrapped up in 3 blankets, a purple hat on her head. Renee took her out and brought her right over to me. She put her in my arms, and a whirlwind of emotions began to run through me. Tears immediately began to fall. I stroked her face. It was purple, cold, lots of bruises. Her lips were almost black. Her mouth was slightly open. She had a scab on her nose. I cried for a while, Renee rubbed my back, and kept repeating "isn't she the most beautiful little girl?" I agreed. Steph and mom cried. I cried some more. Asked 'why' a few times, I think I repeated "this isn't fair, this isn't fair" a handful of times too. So many emotions, such strong emotions. Love. Sorrow. Anger. Grief. Sadness.

I'm not sure how long I held her, but it was a while. My mom asked to hold her. Then Steph held her some. Then I held her some more. A couple hours later, Steph decided she was ready to check out. She got her lunch. Lexi stayed in the room with us. Steph got dressed, all the while I was holding Lexi. Closing my eyes wishing this were just a nightmare. I looked at her a lot. Told her how much we all love her. How we would all miss her. I took her hat off, touched her hair. Steph was ready to check out, but she wanted to hold Lexi for a while before leaving. She snuggled with Lexi some more. Cried, closed her eyes. I'm not sure what she was thinking. I don't want to know, because I can only imagine her thoughts were filled with the worst pain imaginable.

Renee came to check her out. Steph got in the wheelchair, and this is where we all lost it. Renee walked out of the room with us, holding Lexi. Talking to Lexi, telling her that she would be seeing her mommy again. Rubbing Stephanie's back. She walked with us to the elevator, and the loud sobbing began. As we got in the elevator and turned around, Renee leaned so that we could see Lexi's face. I don't know what she was saying, but whatever it was made us all cry. The elevator door closed. Awful. Steph was wheel-chaired out and waited with another nurse while I got the car. Steph was leaving the hospital...without her baby. I think that's when it really hit me. This really happened. She carried that baby for 9 months, prepared everything, was so ready. Everything was ready. And now, there was no baby. She got in the car, and we were off to mom's house to meet with the funeral director. So much happening...so fast...so awful.

Lots happened the next couple days. Made arrangements for a visitation and burial. Spent a lot of time together as a family. Didn't really talk about it. Tried to avoid the conversation, in fact. One of the 'little ones remembered' nurses came by to drop off a disc of pictures that had been taken of Lexi. After a while, we got up the courage to look at them. They were beautiful. Heart breaking. Lots more crying. I told my sister I'd take care of getting prints of all the pictures she'd want at the visitation. The following day, I went to Target and made large prints of 7 of the pictures. This was hard. Standing between two people printing their "Happy Holiday" cards, while I was printing pictures of my niece...my niece who was no longer alive. I went back up to the cities Thursday nights to get ready for the next day. Had my appointment Friday morning.

After my appointment, all 3 of us drove back down to Winona for the visitation. I convinced myself that I was going to hold it together. I was going to be able to do this, and be strong, and NOT be a blubbering mess. When we got there, and I saw all the pictures, the tears couldn't be stopped. They came and went a lot that night. I was just so preoccupied with talking to everyone, to thanking people for coming, that I wasn't able to cry the whole time. It was nice not crying for a while. I think my eyes thanked me for the break. After the visitation was over, we went out to eat and then went to sleep. The next day was going to be more difficult. Saturday morning we had to bury Lexi.

I moved slow Saturday morning. I knew the next couple of hours would be awful. As we drove up to the cemetery, I couldn't control the sadness any longer. This was really happening. And there was nothing I could do to stop it. The entire drive up to Lexi's resting spot was so difficult. There were just 7 cars. Our immediate family, the funeral director, and the men who ran the cemetery. There was a little spot for Lexi, with her little white casket sitting in front of the little hole that had been dug for her. Everyone was doing a good job of holding it together, except for me. I heard lots of whimpering, sniffly noises, and realized it was me. The funeral director spoke, he did a beautiful job. Everyone took turns crying. Stephanie was doing her best to hold it together. After he was done speaking, my mom came around with a rose for each of us. We took turns laying our rose on Lexi's casket. After we were all done, we just looked and cried. No one said a word. I'm not sure how long we stood there, but no one wanted to move. No one wanted to be the one who stepped away. It was just too hard. My mom came over and hugged me, and we both cried. She went and hugged Steph and Hannah, and I joined them. I went and hugged Kevin. Poor Kevin. No one really thinks about the dad. He lost his daughter, too...

After it was over, we went to my mom's house and hung out for a couple of hours before making the drive back up to the cities, hoping to avoid the snow. Stephanie was silent the entire time. I would've been too. I didn't know what to say. None of us did. When it came time to leave, it took a lot of courage to figure out what to say, and how to say it. We kept it pretty simple... "I'll call you. Call me, anytime. We'll get through this. I love you. I love Lexi."

And now, here I am, 7:30 the night of Lexi's burial, finishing the saddest of posts. This has most definitely been the most awful experience of my life. I'm not really sure where to go from here. I know I have to be strong, find ways to grieve...go back to work, keep on living, being the best mommy, wife and friend I know how to be. I know time will heal this pain...but what about Steph? Will time heal her pain? Does one ever feel closure after losing a child? Is one ever healed of this most awful of pain? I sure hope so...

I love you Lexi. And your mommy, Steph. And your big sister. Keep an eye out for them. They'll be needing you.